Learning to Live: Unbelievable

Learning to Live: Unbelievable: Unbelievable When I was young I was told I can be anything I want when I grow up. All my dreams would come true if I just believe...

Unbelievable

Unbelievable

When I was young I was told I can be anything I want when I grow up.

All my dreams would come true if I just believed enough.

The sky is the limit,

I was told.

But the people telling me to shoot for the stars,

The people telling me to dream big,

Well, they’re all grounded in reality.

Mom had dreams of being on T.V.

She wanted to give the news, which was news to me.

Instead she took the safety of a comfortable job.

And, she’s been instilling finger painting knowledge to future something-or-other’s ever since.

And, ever since she’s been coming home and marking off the days until retirement.

Coming home and saying, “Guess what Suzy did today?”

And, “These damn kids can’t sit still.”

And, “It’s like their heads are in the clouds.”

And Pops, he just watches baseball and nods.

Pops is busy is busy retracing the footsteps of his past.

Running that diamond in his mind.

Touching home plate, and waving to the crowd.

But there is no curtain call.

Pops was a star.

He was way up in those clouds.

A major league baseball team gave him a contract and some confidence right out of high school.

Pops was the next big name shortstop.

But his dream was stopped short.

His dream had a time limit.

And, he had to get on with a stable job, and a stable life.

And now it’s, “Baseball players today,” this,

And, “They just don’t play for the love of the game,” that.

Well, if you love something set it free.

I guess.

Pops has been living part of that major league life, though.

He’s been getting passed around and passed on ever since.

Stable jobs need stable legs,

Need a stable back.

Who knew the stable life was so unstable?

As for me,

I’m told I can be anything I want.

Hold on to my dreams and don’t let go,

I’m told.

So, I dreamed big like all kids do.

I let my mind wander in the stars.

But, dreams don’t pay the bills.

You can’t build a house up in those clouds;

It’s too unstable.

And so I wrote off my dreams of becoming writer,

And left the film career on the cutting room floor.

And as for the acting aspirations,

Well, I guess I’ve been playing the part ever since.

…?

            What you have just read is a portion of an unfinished poem I have been working on for almost 2 years now. It sounds strange to say that I have been working on anything for almost two years, let alone a poem. Yet, at the same time it feels very fitting to the new direction of my life. You see, a little over two years ago I made the terrifying decision to leave an old identity behind, and begin the process of shaping an entirely different, entirely unpredictable and entirely new identity. As the fog of self-abuse began to lift from my brain it became suddenly clear to me that I had no idea who I was. I had no substance or character to my life, and I had developed a diluted and fearful view of the world. My life was lacking passion, and I had left it somewhere along the road to life’s current position. “Unbelievable” is an unraveling of how life experiences we hardly notice, experiences that embed deep in our subconscious, actually shape the people we become.

            I think I experienced a major existential crisis at an early age, and the first few stanzas are my not so subtle way of pointing this out. Straight out of the womb we are told that we can be anything we want in this life. For the first few years, dreaming is promoted by everyone around us. Parents, teachers and strangers help to cultivate our sense of curiosity and actively praise us as we walk down the street dressed as Spider-Man. It’s almost certain a handful of these adults still long to wear blue and red spandex to the grocery store, as well. However, the majority of adults have succumbed to reality, and know that their little day dreamers will one day “grow out of it.” They know what we, as children, have yet to comprehend; using your imagination hardly pays the bills.

            I was a sponge, as most children are, and while I’m sure I heard the words, “Shoot for the stars,” the actions of the people speaking these words presented a different reality. As we grow, our subconscious is constantly absorbing the world around us, and even though we don’t notice this, it is slowly formulating opinions that bubble up to the surface. The next few stanzas represent, metaphorically speaking, this process. (I feel the need at this time to point out that my parents are wonderfully caring and hardworking people. Although this poem is based on my life, it is a very condensed version of a complicated process.)

            Growing up I was always told that my dad had at one time had a shot at becoming a professional athlete, and I was also all too aware that, because of a time limit he place on this dream, he had not succeeded. I was not aware, however, that my mom had ever wanted to be anything but a kindergarten teacher. It was a shock to me when I later found out she had gone to college to become a news anchor. So, these few stanzas play out this reality. The reader witnesses, as did I, my mom taking an immediate job that was going to pay the bills, and my father shortly following her lead. Both mom and dad had lofty goals originally, and from a combination of not following through and life’s unexpected curveballs these dreams never became reality. I’m sure neither hated the work they were performing, but both had also never wanted to do what they were now doing. Eventually, when nine to five is just a means to survive, it begins to show in the form of exhaustion, stress and anger. This makes an impression on a young child, as it did me. I also toy with this notion when I make the transition from me being told that the sky is the limit, to my mom coming home and not being able to understand why the children can’t sit still. I try to point out that my parents are not making the connection that they were once little kids with huge dreams, and even though theirs did not become a reality, they are now in a position to cultivate the dreams of others.

            The next stanza about stability, or lack there of, says a lot in a few short sentences. First, I’m pointing out the irony in this misperceived notion of stability. After leaving what was seen as an unstable profession, my father, not for lack of effort, proceeded to land one unstable job after the next. This decision has also served as a constant “what if” that has loomed over his head. This is where I began to formulate my world view that life was meaningless. I could not comprehend a world in which we slaved away our whole lives in order to simply get by. I couldn’t understand why my parents wanted me to waste my time in school when it would only serve the purpose of landing me a slightly higher paying job that I would loath. After all, my mother had gone to college and it didn’t seem to have paid off for her. After wrestling with these thoughts, I dropped out of school, and decided to get busy working. The last line poses a glimmer of hope, however. I present the notion that if there is no guaranteed stability in any of life’s choices, the answer might lie in following the path that brings the most joy. I didn’t understand this logic until recently, though.

            So, the notions of responsibility and financial stability took the place of my dreams. I wanted a career where my creativity and vivid imagination were my biggest assets, but jobs like that seemed more of a figment of said imagination than an actuality. When I was in school I studied business because, well, businessmen make money. After I had dropped out of school I was not succeeding in making any money, and I was still just as unhappy. Eventually, I found something that enabled me to not have to think or feel: alcohol. Alcohol allowed the days to blend into one so that the meaningless time I spent on this planet would be bearable. But, with the temporary sense of comfort alcohol gave me, it also brought a very real sense of terror. I eventually had to weigh my options; continue killing myself or find a new way to make this world worth living for.

            Thankfully, I chose the latter, and this is where the poem leaves off, but my life begins. I have countless journals filled with scribbles of the process of learning how to live again. In the pages of some of these journals are the lessons I’ve learned that will make up the next few lines of this poem. For example, I now see that while my parents’ lives may have turned out differently than they expected, they never gave up. They especially never gave up on me. In fact, they gave everything to me, even a second chance at life. It is from this second chance at life that I have finally realized that life can be whatever you want it to be. Everyday we actively shape the world around us through a filter of previous life experience, and that filter can build us up or break us down. However, sometimes it’s from the bottom that we have the best view. It was at the bottom that I learned to remove my filter, and look at life as a blank slate, or a blank piece of paper as it were. This poem, in its entirety, serves to show that I have chosen to follow my dreams and write again, and that I am the author of my life. I chose to title this “Unbelievable” because, after all, life can be whatever we want it to be, but the hardest part is believing that statement to be true.

A letter to a friend

Here's where I'm going to get philosophical... ready. (I'm sure you have thought about this stuff to an extent. You're very smart. Doesn't hurt to hear it again. Honestly, a lot of this has been picked up here and there a long the way, and I have chosen to own it.)

You truly become your thoughts. Your thoughts become actions, and your actions create the reality that you live in. I thought the world was a very horrible place for a long time because I was a negative piece of shit. I criticized everything and had to prove everyone wrong (I still do this, but I do it when it's stuff I'm interested in and I want to talk about it. People just think I'm being a know it all, but I'm just super excited to talk about sciency stuff. Ass!) I increasingly started to become more and more miserable, and it started to show in my attitude, my physical appearance and overall life in general.

If you change the way you look at things, what you look at changes. This is the hardest thing in the world to to. You have to start spotting your faulty beliefs, then tell yourself not to think those things, even though it's the only way you have ever thought. You have to fucking battle your own mind. It's very strange to try and tell yourself that YOU are lying to YOU, and not listen. But, this is what you have to do. Spot the faulty thinking, and don't listen to yourself. Ever. Even when you seem right. You are your own worst enemy. (Although, eventually you will become right. Right?)

How do you do this? I don't know. You start learning how to look, I guess. In every situation you have infinite choices and endless points of view. None of which are wrong.

You see the same shit the same way every single day. We start to forget that there are infinite ways of approaching and looking at life. We think, because we are very egotistical, that our way is the only way. We don't make a conscious connection to this, but trust me this is how we, as humans, work. The only metaphor I can give you to help you see how to switch your perspective is this: Have you ever driven in the passenger seat of your own car? Probably not in a while. (Seriously have someone drive you around in your car sometime this week.) It is so fucking weird. Everything is exactly the same, but completely different. That's how you need to start looking at life. You need to move over and sit in the passenger seat of life. It opens up a whole new world. Your vision isn't just focused on what is directly in front of you. You can look around, relax and enjoy yourself, all from the same vehicle.

When you start to fix the thinking, your whole world changes. It doesn't come over night, so you just have to accept this. Make a decision right now to start living and thinking differently, and believe with all your heart that in time you will change; physically and mentally. You won't really notice it happening, but others around you will. You just focus your energy on being a good person. On being the best person you can be to yourself, and to others. The rest will fall into place with time. Time is not your enemy! It is on your side! If you expect to make a lasting change in yourself, you have to invest serious time. If you believe with all your heart, and have faith in yourself, that you can change, you can actually start living that life right now. If you know you're going to be a truly happy, stress free person six months from now... start living that way in your head today. Live the present like it's tomorrow. (I know there's all this hype about living in the now, but if your present moment is miserable, live like it's tomorrow.)

I'm living proof of this! How the hell do you think I have made it this far? I was riddled with anxiety, couldn't sit still, scared that my whole life was changing, afraid, sad, lonely... but I knew with all my heart that if I kept working my ass off I would come out of this okay. I have never seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been scared from day one! But I keep faith that each day will get better than the last, even when I feel that there is no way it will. And, every time things are at their worst, and I feel like I want to die, I push harder!! And, even when there seems no fucking end to that, I push harder still!! And, every time... every single time I have felt at my lowest, I break out of it and think, God Damn! This life is amazing!

Life is amazing! So, start living today as if it is... even if you don't necessarily believe it yet. ;)

This is your Brain on Drugs

Addiction

            It is estimated that worldwide 76.3 million people suffer from alcohol dependence, a shocking statistic that doesn’t account for the millions of people addicted to illegal and legal drugs, food, sex, gambling, pornography, etc (Muller, Sturm, Voges, Heinze, Galazky, Heldmann, Scheich & Bogerts, 2009). Addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance, or takes part in an activity that is pleasurable, and after continued use can cause behavior that leads to interference with the normal responsibilities of daily life. Cravings and compulsions are terms often used to describe an addict’s desire to use the substance or participate in said activity. A key characteristic of addiction is marked by repeated attempts to resist the urges caused by these cravings and compulsions, with little to no success. Attempts to stop the use of addictive substances are also accompanied by withdrawal symptoms such as irritability, anxiety, shakes and nausea. And, often times the friends and family of the addict will be well aware of the growing problem long before the addict himself (Psychology Today, 2011). However, these are only the outward, visible signs of addiction, and it’s now being discovered that far more is occurring in the addict’s brain, below the surface, than once thought.

            After a four year process involving more than 80 experts, the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) released a new definition of addiction as a chronic brain disorder.  Ever growing advancements in the field of neuroscience helped to convince the ASAM officials that addiction should be redefined by the processes taking place in the brain (Live Science, 2011).

            There are multiple theories of the exact processes, and brain regions, involved in addiction. However, one of the most prominent of these theories involves a disruption of the reward pathway. The ventral tegmental area, located at the center of the brain, plays a central role in the reward pathway. The VTA is essential for determining how well various fundamental human needs are being met, and it passes this information on to other brain areas via the brain’s chemical messengers (Dubuc, 2002). People feel pleasure when neurons in this reward pathway release a neurotransmitter called dopamine into areas of the brain such as the nucleus accumbens, the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex. When dopamine is released into the synapse, it crosses over to the next neuron and binds to it, providing an increase in pleasure. Excess dopamine is then taken back up by the releasing neuron, in a process called reuptake, and GABA (an inhibitory neurotransmitter) works to prevent over stimulation of the receptor neuron. Simply put, addictive substances disrupt these processes and increase the amount of dopamine in the synapse, giving the user a heightened feeling of pleasure. Repeated use of drugs and alcohol disrupt the normal balance of brain circuits that control reward, memory and cognition, and ultimately addiction occurs (TIME, 2011).

            Another theory involves dysfunction of the dopaminergic transmission to the prefrontal cortex and the anterior cingulate gyrus. Dysfunction in these areas leads to problems with inhibitory control and decision making, which would help to explain inability to resist abusive behavior even though the addict knows the negative consequences (Van den Broek, 2008). 

Case Study

            This case study focused on three individuals that had all struggled with alcoholism for much of their lives. All three patients were chosen based on their severity of struggles with alcoholism, their lack of success with long-term inpatient therapy, and their having an education level of at least nine years. The patients were all administered the same deep brain stimulation (of varying frequencies) technique, in which the nucleus accumbens was targeted. Also, after deep brain stimulation, the patients received no additional psychotherapy or anti-craving medication besides routine assessment (Muller et al., 2009).

            Deep brain stimulation (DBS) is a safe surgical procedure that has been used successfully in neurology for over 15 years in the treatment of diseases such as Parkinson’s. The process involves the implanting of electrodes within specified regions of the brain. After implantation, electrical currents are transmitted through the electrodes which affect brain cells and chemicals. The amount of stimulation is controlled by a pacemaker-like device that is implanted under the skin of the patient above the collar bone. A wire then connects the device to the electrodes in the brain (Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 2011).

            Patient one is a 36-year-old male who started drinking at the age of 12. He averaged about two liters of alcohol a day, and throughout his struggles he has been admitted to numerous inpatient detoxifications and long-term inpatient therapies (LTIT). Even with all the help, his longest period remaining abstinent from alcohol, prior to DBS, was only six months. After implantation and initiation of the DBS, the patient has remained abstinent from alcohol for 18 months. He reports that he feels no cravings for alcohol, enjoys normal daily life activities and did not experience any adverse physiological symptoms from the implantation.

            Patient two is a 37-year-old male who started drinking at the age of 11. His mother, father and the majority of his first degree relatives are all alcoholics. He received his first inpatient detoxification at the age of 15, and has participated in, and finished, three LTITs. After his first LTIT he remained sober for three years, but described massive alcohol cravings whenever faced with the slightest cue stimuli. He states that he spent much of his time and effort avoiding being exposed to these alcohol related stimuli. After initiation of DBS he has remained abstinent from alcohol since January 2008 (at time of publication). During the first two weeks after implantation, he developed a hypomanic period that subsided after adjustment of the stimulation. He reports that cravings have completely disappeared, and his nicotine consumption has gone down from 40 to 15 cigarettes a day.

Patient three is a 40-year-old male who began drinking in his early teens. By the time he was 30 he was drinking up to three liters of alcohol a day. The patient has only participated in one LTIT of seven weeks, and states that he cannot remember being sober for more a few months during his struggles with alcoholism. During this time the patient has had several troubles with the law, and even served two years of a three year sentence in a forensic psychiatric hospital. After initiation of DBS the patient has had four relapses, all of which he was able to stop at his own will. Even with the relapses, the patient has put together 12 months of sobriety, and recalls that he had not been able to do this in the 10 years prior to DBS. In his own opinion, DBS has changed his life (Muller et al., 2009).

Discussion

            Although it is hard to find this study being replicated anywhere, just yet, I believe it is only the beginning in a new direction for addiction related treatments. Even though DBS is not practical, being that it requires surgery and can cost upwards of $30,000 dollars, it has provided a new way to look at addiction other than it being a behavioral or spiritual problem. I sincerely believe that this is the beginning of a paradigm shift in the way addiction is treated and even viewed by the public. 

Happy 4th!

   I wrote this last 4th of July after downing my third cup of coffee and anxiously awaiting my first alcohol free Independence Day since, well, I don't know.  You can tell I was still a little bitter about not being "allowed" to drink. I quote that to emphasize the sarcasm in the statement. Be safe and take a moment to appreciate the people you spend this day with.


       Oh, the Fourth of July. America's Independence Day. A time for all red-blooded Americans to come together over their good ol' Webber grills and celebrate our nation's freedom. A time to reflect back on generations before us and a time to huddle with our future generations to watch the sky ignite in a rainbow of fire. It's a time where for at least just one moment we can remember, We all make up one nation under God.
       It's also a time to say, "Fuck it!" And drink 'till you forget who you are. It's a time to remember that the only thing in your stomach is good 'ol American Budwiser, and force yourself to eat the last cold and blackened, sand encrusted wiener from the Webber. It's a time to embrace your freedom while you're floating on a raft, drinking your Pabst just outside the reach of the long arm of the law. It's a time to blow up a watermelon with a stick of dynamite.
       So, as you ride off into the night on a bike you just found, under the red, white and blue explosions in the sky, remind yourself, We are one nation under God, therefore, "This bike is my bike, too!"
                                                                   Happy 4th

It rained the other day

            The other day I washed my car and it rained right afterward. This isn’t an unusual occurrence, or for that matter a common occurrence, except for the fact that I didn’t notice it happened.

            Let me back up. So, a couple of days back I decided to wash my car because, well, it seems I have nothing better to do on a gorgeous, sunny afternoon. After driving around town letting the car drip dry, and checking several Redboxes for “Monsters vs. Aliens,” I headed home. As I stepped out of my car and looked out towards the bay, not only could I see the rain approaching, but I could smell it and feel it in the air. The sky had an ominous red tone, and the air actually had a noticeable weight to it. I took a deep breath, smiled and enjoyed the view for a moment. I decided to go in when I realized it probably looked strange that I was standing in the middle of the road sniffing the atmosphere. The fact that I had just washed my car had escaped me. I welcomed the rain.

            Later, while sitting on the couch reading, I began to hear heavy rain drops hitting the tile of the entryway to my building. I opened my blinds and cracked the window to fully experience this sudden spring rain. The thought crossed my mind how strange it was that it had been such a beautiful day and now it was raining, but never once did I connect those thoughts to having just washed my car.

            The next day, as I walked out of my building, I noticed my neighbors black car covered in little craters of dirt where it had been repeatedly hit by those heavy drops from the previous night. I looked at my car, parked in front of hers, and it was spotless. I still didn’t really make the connection, the connection I’m referring to, at this point. I just sort of acknowledged the fact that my car was cleaner because I had washed it the day before and got in and drove away.

            It wasn’t until later, when I was sitting in Balboa Park, that I had this strange realization. It had rained right after I washed my car and I hadn’t even noticed. I few weeks back when I washed my car and it didn’t rain, I surely noticed.

            This was big. Now, I know it’s bizarre that I’m noticing the thoughts that I’m not noticing, but those thoughts let you appreciate, even more, all the other mindless thinking. It’s hard to step back and take in the whole picture of anything, especially life. But, but only when we do can we notice or create change.

            For much of my adult life I have felt the world is out to get me, but due to a random rain shower I had the opportunity to notice that for once, the world had nothing to do with my internal state of being. It rained because it rained. That’s it. Not because I had just washed my car, and it always rains after I wash my car. Not because that’s how my luck works, or because that’s my lot in life. It rained because it rained. I had the perfect opportunity to turn this into a negative thought, and I didn’t. Furthermore, it became and even more positive thought with the realization that I’m changing. I’ve put incredible effort into improving my life, and I’m noticing and appreciating the rewards.

            It would seem, if even for today, the world is not out to get me anymore. My luck isn’t changing for the better or worse on a day-to-day basis. For that matter, there really are no good or bad days; there are just days, and I, a good person, exist within them.

What's the point?

So, I've decided to change my blog. I know my two followers will be devastated, but that was then and this is now. It's time to move forward.

The old deal was supposed to be about learning to live life, and at that time it seemed my life was all about sobriety. But, that's not me. I mean, I am sober, but sobriety does not define who I am. Other than the fact that I have to monitor it every second of every day for the rest of my life, I rarely think about being sober. It's not like I'm planning to make a career out of it... Oh, wait. Well, I can cross that bridge when I get there.

For now, however, there is the other me that is running around like a fucking chicken with my head cut off, trying to make sense of this seemingly meaningless world and the people in it. Yeah, I said meaningless. That's how I feel. I mean, I didn't ask to be born into this world, and yet, here I am with a list of rules to follow. And, these are the type of rules that tell you what you can't do, not what you're supposed to do. I feel just as lost as when I was 13 and had a face full of acne and a constant boner. Except now, I don't have someone holding my hand and saying, "Belt tuck that erection, son. It's time to get to your next class." I've got to figure this shit out all on my own, and it's scary as hell.

Now, I understand that I'm 31 and I should have this shit figured out by now, but you have to remember, I've been in an alcohol induced coma for the past 10 years. (I don't think anyone will ever understand how unbelievably bad it got.) Plus, I don't think anyone ever really figures this out. And, that's got to be beauty of it all, right? The meaning behind this? Everyday, when we make the choice to get up and face this scary fucking world, we are making something out of nothing. We are creating art with every breath.

I want to share my art with you.

So, sometimes I'm going to feel like saying cheesy shit like, "I want to share my art with you." And, sometimes I'm going to want to say, "Fuckity fuck fuck!!" Other times, I might feel like expressing my disdain for Asians with blond hair, and in the same breath might talk about the beautiful baby hummingbird I saw yesterday. I might even share the story of the time I fell over, but ass naked, and landed ass first on a plate containing a mountain of Sriracha and a scalding hot Hot Pocket. I don't even know where I'm going with this right now...

...Okay, I blacked out there for a second. I'm back! Literally and figuratively. And, in honor of this new direction I'm going, I made today a "day of firsts". I shaved my beard into a mustache fit for porn, signed up for Twitter, and ate my first Big Mac ever. And, I'll be the first to say, my life is like an Amish porn, Twitter is kinda lame (after attacking it like Charlie Sheen all day), and the Big Mac left my body quicker than it went in.

I wish I had some way to finish up this nonsense...