Trash men and Dinosaurs

Danny-

Yup, got pretty bad. It was hard for anyone to see because I was still holding down a job and semi-functioning. But, I was dying. Literally dying. A lot of people knew and tried to say stuff, and a lot of people got tired of saying stuff. People drifted away, but that's what people do. That's what I would probably have done.

As for me and you drifting apart, I'll shoulder the blame for that. I became an extremely selfish person over the last several years of my life, and only looked out for my own interests. Unfortunately there was nothing I could take from you at the time, so there was no need to be around you (Sorry if that sounds harsh. That's not how I feel, but that's the reality of it. I'm also trying to be dramatic). I could never figure out what I wanted, but I knew I needed more of whatever it was. Nobody could have helped me but me.

I've always felt that we will always be friends, though. I've always known that when and where our paths cross, our friendship will still be there. And, I will do everything I can to make sure our paths cross on your wedding day. I am around alcohol and drunk people all the time, so no big there. All of the people I enjoy hanging out with are alcoholics. That's why I'm back in school now, and on the path to one day becoming an addiction counselor. Maybe specialist. I like specialist.

Drinking and druging doesn't work for me. Not one bit. Some people can handle it and continue on with their lives, but it became my life. I'm in a good place with it now. Once I stopped thinking about it, it all became easy. It's like playing a game of tic-tac-toe with your mind. I kept thinking about ways I could win, ways I could beat this, and I kept on getting cat's game after cat's game. The key is just not to play. (I shit you not this all came to me after watching "War Games" with Mathew Broderick. That's how they stop the computer from nuking the whole world: Tic-tac-toe. I just stopped my brain from nuking my body.) It’s not that easy, and it is.

My other analogy is this, if I was allergic to peanuts, if I would die from eating peanuts, I wouldn't fucking eat peanuts. I wouldn't spend all my time and energy trying to figure out how I can manage my peanut intake. I wouldn't be trying to have just one peanut a day, or only have peanuts after 5. I wouldn't eat fucking peanuts. They kill me. So goes with alcohol... and cocaine for that matter.

Life is great, and I'm so happy to know things are going so well for you. I have the magazine you had the cover of, and I've been keeping up with your new stuff online. I would love to be able to have you explain all of them to me. We showed some stuff to grandma Shirley and she was very impressed. Especially with the rabbit eating grapes out of that dude's ass. You are so unbelievably talented. I'm in awe.

So I've got an idea for a painting. Hahaha. Nice transition. I was imagining this story while taking a shower:

There's a place that exists where all our future selves are patiently waiting for us to one day grow into. These future selves are the image of what the child dreams it will be. There are a bunch of trash men and baseball players, astronauts and firemen, and dinosaurs, things kids want to be when they grow up, all sitting around waiting to be grown into. They are waiting to be the fulfillment of these children's dreams.

There is one future self, though, that is always changing what he is. Sometimes he's a movie star for a few days, and sometimes he just works at a nine to five job. A lot of the times he is the exact copy of another person's future self. He can't make up his mind, so he let's others do it for him.

But, the majority of the future selves start disappearing one by one as the children grow up and face reality. The dinosaurs and trash men first, followed by the astronauts. Some actually become firemen. Some become baseball players, but give up on their dreams too early. They all get stuck in "what-if" for eternity.

One day the future self that could never be happy with whatever costume he wore, comes to meet up with all the others wearing absolutely nothing. Everyone laughs and points, they all call him names, but he just smiles from ear to ear and keeps on walking by. He is finally comfortable in his own skin.

And, the child smiles and keeps on walking too. He's done searching for the right fit. He's done trying to fit into a costume. Just being is the right fit. He nods to the other children who point and laugh, and smiles from ear to ear, and keeps on walking by.

So the painting, as I see it, is a bunch of children staring at a bunch of firemen, dinosaurs, astronauts, and trash men. All of them look nervous, but one is smiling, and his opposite is smiling too. And naked.

But, hey, painting is your thing, not mine.

Sorry this is the longest email ever, but I have really been enjoying myself.